Its been months!

 Its been months I disappeared. I miss this blog so much. I want to continue writing and do reviews. I don't care if I don't make money out of this but I do miss sharing my thoughts. 

Recently I does not feel like myself at all. I overjoy the moment that been lend to me for a while. I forgot to stay in reality. I want to come back being in reality but in the fantasy world. Real reality world scares me so much. My brother said that I spent too much in my fantasy world that is why even when I came back into reality world it still scares me. Listened to that, I am a bit disappointed as is it my fault?

So, I still see some people viewed my page daily eventho I have not update anything. Thank you so much for it. I am so thankful and I will come back I know I will do. My resolution this year is posting one post per day but I failed. I did come and stared at the monitor couple of times but I got writer block and I know why. I promise I am healing bit by bit nowadays and will come back stronger without care. I miss the old me. I miss me.

I lost my grandma last night

I lost my beloved grandma last night and she's gone without telling me goodbye.
Its sad when on the 2nd Raya I went to police station for permission but only my parents got it. So, I let my parents go without me. But I keep telling myself that at least let me meet her for the last time before anything happened but the luck is not on me. With this MCO and things, my mom got called from her brother in law said that we all lost her. He called her with a tears and apologies because he can not do anything about it. My mom keep saying that it is not his fault yet he still said its his fault.

My grandma was so strong. As a single mother she don't need anyone to depends on. She work for her living and proud to be herself. She is kind of person who willing to take any meds just to be healthy so that she can work and get her own money. She did so many things. She work at school canteen, she open her own stall , she work in factory like i said, she do not need anyone to depends on because she knows that she can make money on her own.

She diagnosed with Diabetes yet she is still okay. I always saw he carry a bag with medicines. She took it everywhere with her. She said that he wants to be healthy she wants to work and one day out of nowhere her leg started to wound and festering yet she don't wanna give up. She did so many things, she listen to so many advice to make that festering goes away. He does not want to go to clinic because she was scared.

Day by day it gets worst and we decided to sent her to hospital and she got amputated.
Ever since that, I never see her work hard to be healthy anymore. Whenever I joke around with her, she keep saying that she only has one leg now. It makes me sad. Told my mom that there are so many option, we can buy the wheelchair or prosthetic leg. As long as she willing to try but she just wanted to lay down. Even she do not feel like sitting down by her own. She wants help. That is where I noticed that she is mentally tired.

My aunt, the one who take care of her told that she once said that " if she died, she wants only family who manage her " Jenazah " and it comes true. Due to this MCO only us, the family are there to settled it quickly. All those who came were only relatives. 

So, Nani does not has lots of money but she got left her jewelry. These 3 siblings sort it out all and I got one of my Nani's bracelet and locket.

Sea Salt McFlurry

I finally dropped by McDonald and got myself Sea Salt McFlurry.

After all, Oreo McFlurry still wins the first place.

Some told me that this ice cream is not salty with all the combination but it is salty to me. Despite that, i like the chewing part on blue & purple sprinkles.

Wont get this flavor again but i'll get Oreo instead and yet I am waiting for Mint McFlurry ( Oreo Shamrock McFlurry ) if its ever gonna be release in Malaysia. Been waiting for it the whole year already.

Sadly i can't vlog while trying this Sea Salt 😞 I am so lack of motivation lately with vlogging since PKPB announced and i had to canceled all my trips. I know its hard for everyone too but sigh ~.  

Take care ya!

Macam Mana Orang Ada Keberanian Nak Bunuh Diri ya?

 That's the question that my baby brother asked last night .

i looked at him and take a deep breathe before answered him.

Atie Zieya : They see no lights in their life. Turned left,right,front & back, its all darkness.

My Brother : But most of them has people surrounding that loves them.

Atie Zieya : It doesn't matter. All the matter is back to the individual self.

My Brother : How ?

Atie Zieya : like if i personally feels the darkness, and u keep telling me how much u love me and wanting me to be alive but i feels that is not actually i want. So, its doesn't matter right ? Most of them don't really know what they actually want. They just feels lonely and dark.

My Brother : So, its all darkness is the main ?

Atie Zieya : i felt it once! its just because of antibiotic. I took that meds to cured my blood circulation but that meds lead me to, hmmm i cant explain,i dont know how to explain. I felt,i am all alone, in my own world whereas im in the office, friends kept talking to me. I talked to them but my heart is empty, i felt jittery. I am scare to be alone. Then i tried to watched things i love, tv shows i like yet i questioned

 "WHAT IS THIS ALL CLOWN DOING ? ITS STUPID, ITS BORING " but i know i used to enjoyed it.

My Brother : is that when u told dad that u want to cancel your Japan trip ? Whereas its just few days later and u were so excited about it?

Atie Zieya : Yup. i felt like WHAT IS JAPAN ? WHY ? WHO AM I MEETING IN JAPAN ?

My Brother : Then what happened?

Atie Zieya : i drank and peed !!! i let that meds gone from me and after two days.. finally everything even my heart becomes normal and im excited for Japan trip as usual.

My Brother : i saw this one depression drawing before. And its all makes sense..

Atie Zieya : what drawing ?

My Brother : ALL THE BACK GROUND IS TOTAL BLACK ( DARKNESS ), THEN ONE HANGING ROPE & ONE PERSON STANDING IN FRONT OF IT. INSIDE THE HANGING ROPE IS ALL WHITE ( LIGHTS ).

Atie Zieya : That's whats make them have guts to do it. They just want to see the lights.

Drawing Source : @SelenVinland  

Note : Please ! reach for someone that u can trust to talk too. Don't keep this alone.

 My DM in all my social media ( contact me ) is OPEN ! 

You don't need to pay me to be your listener. 

I will listen as much as i can.